Note to Self

The only time in this world in which i pour my soul out....

Waiting for you to capture my imagination...But you already have...

How can I deal with this?
Note to Self
hopethepretty
I finally made the decision to stand up for myself to my family.
I told them I no longer wanted to be a part of the situation that is concerning Thomas, his ex-wife and the kids and all I have received in return is hate. They cover it with sickly sweet niceties in public and on paper, but in reality its nothing but deceit and revolting hate. They blame me for things that hold no truth, lie about everything that concerns Thomas and his 'family' on his request and belittle me by using the kids. I can only be told I'm a disappointment, a user, a manipulator, a grudge holding recluse, etc, so much before I snap. I've been dealing with all this drama and manipulation for the last year in an attempt to be the supportive family member, Thomas's best friend, the best aunt I could be and all I have had happen is be used. I've given so much time, feelings and let's be frank, MONEY that I've literally destroyed almost my whole life. I have literally no love life, the men I have chasing me want nothing to do with me if my family is involved. I almost lost my really nice government job at the university twice trying to help Thomas. I've had my utilities turned off, my internet, my phone and had to ask for help 3 different times to pay my rent in the last year because I have been taking my money and paying for things for the family, I've paid rent, phone bill, food, clothing, school supplies, gas money, etc for Thomas and his kids and I have nothing to show for it.
They literally used me all over again. I thought I had them all figured out after high school and the moment I let them back in 5 years later, they pull the same stunts...the only difference is that Thomas is the same as the rest of them. He is worse then them in some ways even.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough for any of them. Ever. Its times like these that I wish they had never moved back to Iowa. What little life I have to live shouldn't be wasted on people that bring me down and I've realized the 'support' network I have is one of the worst things in my life.
I guess its time to go back to the way it was. Family is over rated.

*squee*
Note to Self
hopethepretty
*squee* Yay!! *jumps up and down* *squee* Happy Happy Joy Joy!
I'm excited! Its been forever! Since Saturday! Omg!! Weehoo!
*hugs self* I'm tired...but excited enough to stay awake!! I can't wait!! :D

Gee....*scratches head* I wonder if I should be nice or mean?....
Note to Self
hopethepretty
I've decided to revise my journal. Its apparent that There are some people on my Freinds list that either NEVER update and that don't want me on theirs....so I must going to make it to where maybe only 5 of the people on my friends list can veiw my journal. I mean...I've decided that I'm going to be using my journal as a real journal now...not something for fun anymore. So...as of now...My journal is only open to certaint people and the people that have been scratched off...the best to ya! :D Love ya all!

You know...I find this to be one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard...also really funny!
Note to Self
hopethepretty
Really...if you have that much a problem with me..then you should be brave enough to talk to me face to face than being a puss and hiding...God. I mean, Come on...I never did a fucking thing to anyone and I've never said anything...I just think that your throwing a fit. If you can't handle the heat...get out of the kitchen. And you shouldn't have to try and be a whineass while doing it.

The funeral was today. There were many people that showed up that I didn't expect. My Grandpa Bonnaci,My uncle Fred,Tommi,Tami and Helen. I was so surprised....The smell was awful. Tommy got really sick and we hid out till the inital time we had to be in the place for the ceremony thingy...I feel...like I'm emotionless. I sometimes think that maybe its bad that I haven't cried or anything and I didn't really feel much about the funeral. All I was...was scared. Plus...maybe I just accept Death better than others. I just don't think that the body is Her...Its just a shell.

Went to go see King Kong. The part with the Insects...Ugh. I freaked and hid behind Tommy shoulder and squished his hand. All the while watching the whole thing...The way the worms ate the one dude...real gory.

I've spent so much time with Jimmy lately. It makes me feel...warm inside. To know that someone who isn't obligated to do anything for me or anything for my family...was there more for my family then even my own Aunts and Uncles. Really amazing...Makes me think.

Tommy and Melissa are an item. I think its cute. Plus I kinda expected this...I even thought that the first time Jenny and Him broke up. But Tommy went for the Second chance, trying to salvage something that just wasn't salvagable. *shrugs* I have nothing to worry about and I'm not a part of his love life, So I give them my blessings and hope for the best. Hopefully this one will go well for him. :P

Back at the house...Its a wreck. There's so much that we have to do...so much Crap to go through...It makes my head spin and to think...I have to go back to school AND work tomorrow. Blah...

I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy life to the fullest...and nothing will stop me from doing that no matter what or who might try to stop me. :D Happy Happy Joy Joy!! :D

Confused....I don't understand the fundamentals of life anymore...
Note to Self
hopethepretty
I'm all alone..but then I have so many people there for me...I'm just...scared.
Happy Birthday and Happy New Year Jimmy!! XD
You Go man!
Um...New Items? Its cute...Maybe...He shouldn't have gone for the second chance. I don't think he should have, But that's the way life goes.
My room...is completely destroyed...I swear...I was so angry and about to cry when I found it in ruins. Its hard enough to come back...but to find the whole house...looks like it was ransacked...
I just want to hide in my room away from the world...I don't want to face school and work...I just want to hide. Life is just....so difficult. I wish that there was a simpler way to all of this.
Bah...

Grrr......
Note to Self
hopethepretty
Sorry you feel that way...I guess we're not good enough for you anymore...I'll stop trying then. I need some Mountain Dew....
Suicide sucks.
and I love Reese Pieces....
and!! New Years Eve will be fun! :D It is...:D:D
Thank god....I have someone to count on...It makes me feel so much better...
I seem to be spacing off more then usual...Oh well.
I have Nothing more to say....

Strolling through the woods....smelling the pretty flowers along the way...
Note to Self
hopethepretty
Screw it.
I'm going back to Denison after this year...I hate Boyer Valley, I hate Dunlap, I hate smelly fucking Cows and I hate having to beg a damn ride from every flippin one...I want to be able to walk to work again if I couldn't find a ride damn it! If I wanted to be early...I could be early and I'd only have to get ready for work a half an hour before work..and I'd be able to freaking walk to school again...I could walk everywhere! And Digital cable...I miss Adult Swim..I miss my daily dose of Anime....I'm going to enjoy life damn it! And I'm not enjoying it here in Dunlap..as it does have its benefits...like I get to be in Band and I'm not bad..I am good at Band..and I'm revered over there as a saint in the band and I'm not all to unpopular and I get to see awesome scenery over there..but you know what? I'm giving up on it all. I'm going back to Denison after all of this! I want my pretty room back. I want to be able to sit in my room, that I spent the last 2 years pimping out..with my walls painted the way I wanted them to be...color coded the way I wanted...the ether net cord connecting me and Tommy's computers...All the good memories I have from there over the last year...I want them back again...I want to make more happy memories there!! Till I go to college that is...But till then..I want to live my life and be happy doing just that! All I have to do is kill the killer Fleas...and clean up the left over scraps here and there in the house..and It'd be inhabitable right? I mean..Me and Tommy could semi-afford it right?
So...I say Screw it.
Going to work...I have so many things to think about...I want to..And I will do it...but...Yeah...Heehee! I'm just so glad! I've got some of my future already somewhat planned...Summer..Denison...More hours for more money...Freedom and not just any freedom..True Freedom. More then I have now anyways...
Yeah!

God....I feel so stupid...
Note to Self
hopethepretty
I just...never could see myself doing this...
I'm sitting here in the dark,basking in the faint glow of the computer screen waiting...Just to talk..Like a loser...Where did I start to have patience and Became an insomniac? I feel...So stupid...
I mean...This just might be...A waste of my time..sitting here waiting..waiting for something that might not even come...I'm...so pathetic sometimes. Why can't...it just be simpler? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can't everything just go my way for once? Why can't...Life go the way its suppose to? I have to admitt...that over the last 4 years...life has taken an extreme turn for the better in Sarah Land...There's no more hate and Bad Moms and Dad's and such..and We have stopped moving for the most part...But...I just wish things could be simpler...I'm pathetic...Really..Here I am complaining about life being harsh and unfair when there's so many other people that have it worse...Grrrr.....
But everyone has their petty bullshit to deal with...No matter who you are...
If I want to have a damn secret...Its gonna stay that way...How do you people know that I told Jimmy and Tommy..well guess what..they don't know the real freaking secret because I decided not to tell them. SO...Ha! :D I want to at least have one secret all to myself...I'll eventually tell you guys...but For now...I'm going to keep my most personal thoughts to myself.
Thinking things over...Should I or shouldn't I? What to do...I want to...but then part of me screams..NO DON"T DO IT!! ITS NOT WORTH IT....Grr...Thank god I'm an insomniac and I have Tons of time to think things through....*laughs*
Still pathetically waiting...eyes are getting a little droopy...If it doesn't show up in the next....20 minutes...I'm logging off and I am going to bed...I'm probably forgotten by now anyways...That or...Sleep overcame it also...Erg...Life...is just so damn complicated...

A step up on Reality...Moving up on my future and what I want with it...
Note to Self
hopethepretty
A little embarassed..but I'm so happy I'm not regreting this..even looking foward to doing this...
Regret is a word that used to mean a LOT in my life..but it seems to have dwindled down to one of the most insignifant aspect of my life...I like the way my life is now..and there's only one thing I'd like to change about it...and then It would be a perfect existance for me...
I like simplicity and I don't care if I'm going to one of those average chicks that pass by me on the streets...I don't care..part of me even yearns for it...At least I'll know that deep down in the Real Sarah..I'll never be average and I'll always have my thoughts and feelings that set me apart from all the..."Fish's" or "Sheepy's" ....
Though...I'm just starting off on the road of my life...I feel like I've traveled it so far...So many miles of memories...and I'm ready for anything that comes my way...I still have at least 5 more years of being my Kooky self and then I can become that person that wants to be free..and that wants repitition and a stable life...But for now..I just want to ride on the road of my youth...

Fuck you all.
Note to Self
hopethepretty
Fuck you.

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